


Of Monsters and Men

by what_the_nesmith



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Case Fic, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Revelations, semi case fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_the_nesmith/pseuds/what_the_nesmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being kidnapped and tortured by Tobias Hankel, Spencer Reid has to face the aftermath and a growing drug addiction. But being who he is, Spencer keeps most of this hidden. But when a case crops up that doesn't end well for the team, will Reid's secrets be revealed in the worst of ways?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When they had found him, he had felt their pity burning into him. When they had found him, he was surprised none of them had told him how stupid he had been. Going off on his own, splitting up with JJ. It had been a stupid move and had nearly risked him his life. 

When they had found Spencer Reid, the members of the BAU had all been immensely relieved that they had found their youngest member alive. But Spencer Reid did not understand this. His mind was clouded with the effects of dilaudid and the need to use again. 

The vials he had taken off the corpse of his abuser, Tobias Hankel, had been in the waistband of his underwear. He couldn’t have taken a chance of them being found on his person. It was a smart move, despite how dumb it was indulge in the forced upon habit. An ambulance had been called. No one found the vials. 

The plane ride home was horrific for Spencer. He spent most of the air time in the bathroom. He couldn’t sleep and he didn’t have a syringe for the dilaudid. No one had questioned the choice. They all gave him space, assuming that Reid was just working through what had happened to him. 

They had all been rattled by the experience. 

When they had landed, Hotch provided Spencer with a ride home. It was during that ride that Aaron told Reid to take as much time as he needed off. Spencer told him that he would. They parted ways. It had all seemed almost dreamlike to Spencer then. 

Of course, that had been a five days ago. 

Spencer was still processing. The nights had been plagued with horrific nightmares so far, each time ending in Reid shooting up for relief. Everytime he shut his eyes, he saw Tobias there. A man who had killed him only to bring him back to life to kill him again. It was eating Spencer alive. 

But the dilaudid helped. It helped push the thoughts of Tobias away, helped to silence Tobias’s voice. 

Reid pulled the needle out of his arm and trashed it. Sighing with relief, he exited his bathroom and clambered back into his bed. He felt better that day. Only a few hours ago, he had been in Las Vegas, visiting with his mother. It was the first time he had been home since the night he had been rescued. 

Spending time with his mother had been nice. He had acquired a few more vials of dilaudid fairly easy there and had had time to think about what he was going to do. Not to mention that his mother enjoyed having his company. Tomorrow he would go back to work. The idea of lazing about his own house terrified Spencer. He had to be busy. Even though the drugs helped, Reid still needed to be busy so that his mind would not catch up with him. 

For within Spencer’s brain, there was a civil war. A portion of his mind knew what he was. A drug addict. Someone who needed help but was too scared to seek it, therefore they turned to drugs. Another portion of his mind was in complete denial. This portion claimed that Spencer was fine. A little shaken up, but just fine. The drugs helped push the bad thoughts away and once the bad thoughts went away completely he could stop taking dilaudid. 

The last portion of his mind was bitter. Bitter towards himself for being so stupid, for allowing himself to become a drug addict. For allowing himself to be caught by an unsub. Bitter towards his teammates for not finding him soon enough. He had died in that little shack. He had died on that floor and if it hadn’t been for the very man who had killed him in the first place, his life would still be a whisper in the wind. 

This last portion was the one that scared him the most. The one that Spencer did his utmost to hide from. This was where the nightmares came from, the conflicting emotions and thoughts, even at times the voice and sight of Tobias Hankel. 

A heavy sigh escaped Spencer. For a moment, he wondered when Tobias Hankel would leave him alone. The man was already dead, yet he lived on, in Reid’s own mind. Yes, Spencer would return to work tomorrow. He needed a distraction. With his decision made and his mind dulled, Spencer shut his eyes and fell into a fitful sleep. 

The next morning, Reid tried to return to his normal routine. Get up, get dressed, use the restroom. When he was in the bathroom, he shot up. Deciding that he could last the work day without another fix, Spencer stashed one vial into his go bag, just in case. Once that was finished, Reid left his apartment and got onto the subway. 

It was a short trip and Spencer was feeling good. He felt normal. It was great. Getting off the train, Reid stopped by a frequented cafe where he ordered a blueberry muffin and a large coffee. Muffin and coffee in hand, Spencer walked the rest of the way to the Quantico building. 

The muffin tasted amazing. Perhaps it was just the mood he was in, but nonetheless, the muffin was probably the best muffin he had ever eaten. By the time the elevator doors opened with an electronic ding, Spencer had polished off the muffin and was now working on his coffee. Stepping out of the mechanical box, Reid realized that he was early. He had been following his morning routine to a tee. Walking into the bullpen, beelining for his desk, Reid knew that only Gideon and Hotch would be here. The others wouldn’t be in for another half hour. 

A slight creeping sensation of dread deflated Reid’s good mood for a fraction of a second. Shrugging the feeling off, Spencer sat down at his desk and took off his satchel. He stashed his go bag underneath the desk and began sifting through the files that he had left there. The coffee felt good in him and the prospect of work ahead of him almost excited him. Spencer felt great. 

Finishing up the files he had left untouched, Reid decided he’d let Hotchner know of his return. Taking a deep breath, Spencer stood up and walked up to Aaron’s office. Peeking in through the window, Reid saw Hotch bent over his desk working through paperwork. It was now or never. Hotch would find out sooner or later, and Reid wanted to get back to work now. He knocked on the door. 

Aaron looked up and for a moment his facial expression was one of surprise. But Hotchner was not known for his expressions. As quickly as the surprise came, it was replaced by Aaron’s typical stoic mask. He motioned for Reid to enter, which he did of course 

“Reid, I didn’t expect you back so soon,” Hotchner greeted him. 

“You did say take as long as I needed, and five days is enough for me,” Reid responded. 

He sounded genuine due to his mood. In this moment, Spencer even believed himself. That he was over Tobias, over dilaudid, and over what had happened to him. 

“Are you sure?” Hotch frowned, “Because no one on the team would think less of you if you wanted to take more time. What you went through-”

Spencer didn’t want his day to be ruined. 

“What happened to me is in the past,” Reid interrupted him, “I went to see my mom for five days and I feel great today. I’m ready to go back to work.” 

The tension in Aaron’s jaw told Reid that he had raised a red flag with his comment. But he wasn’t going to apologize to his boss. He wasn’t a child and he could look after himself. 

“Alright, when JJ gets in, grab some paperwork from her,” Hotch said after a moment. 

“Thank you,” said Reid before exiting Hotchner’s office. 

Going back to his own desk, Reid didn’t notice Gideon staring at him. It wasn’t as if Spencer would have gathered anything from the senior profiler’s face. Burying himself in the little paperwork he had left unfinished, the half hour before the rest of the team flew by, Spencer barely noticing. 

The first to arrive was Emily Prentiss. 

“Reid?” she frowned, setting down a to-go coffee mug onto her desk. 

“Good morning, Emily,” Reid responded with a faltering smile. 

Without his team members around, Reid had been able to pretend that nothing new had happened to him. That he was still the same old Reid… the same old Reid. The phrase made his stomach churn, made him itch for another fix despite still riding the euphoric effects of the fix he’d had only an hour or two prior. 

But with his friends now streaming into work, Spencer realized that they were going to treat him differently. They were going to want to know how he’s doing, if he needed more time off, if he needed any help. They were going to treat him like a child. Well, Spencer Reid was not a child. And he would prove that he wasn’t. 

“I assumed you’d be off for a little bit longer,” Prentiss said as she sat down, “How’ve you been?” 

“Fine,” Reid answered, “I went to visit my mom in Las Vegas, which was nice.” 

“Oh, you’re mom lives in Las Vegas?” Prentiss seemed impressed. 

“Yes, in fact, I grew up there,” Reid informed her. 

“Oh, well aren’t you a fancy man,” Prentiss grinned. 

Reid returned her smile. The interaction hadn’t gone as bad as he had anticipated. In fact, Reid felt that Prentiss was not treating him differently at all. Maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as he had thought they would be. 

JJ and Garcia were the next to arrive. Spencer heard their conversation flowing out as the elevator doors parted. He felt relieved when he heard Garcia bid adieu to JJ, promptly making her way back to her queendom. The longer he could prevent Garcia from knowing he was here, the better. She and Morgan worried him the most. They would certainly treat Reid differently now. Wouldn’t they?

“Spence? What are you doing back in this place?” JJ cut through his thoughts. 

He looked up to see her face etched with concern.

“I just wanted to get back to work,” Reid answered, “The American Institute of Stress actually pointed out that 46% of workplace stress was due to the workload one has, so the less time I take off, the less stress I’ll eventually have.” 

The statistic felt clunky in his mouth. As if he himself was wearing a Reid shaped mask. As if Spencer was impersonating himself. 

“Ha, well if that’s the case, I’m surprised the whole team isn’t complaining about stress daily,” Prentiss laughed. 

It sounded hollow to Reid. His mood was dipping. 

“We do have a stressful job,” JJ agreed, a smile on her lips, “Well, I’ll go to my office and grab the paperwork you’ve missed. It isn’t much, though.” 

“Thanks, JJ,” Reid told her. 

“No problem,” she beamed before heading to her office. 

Reid gulped down the rest of his coffee. He felt Prentiss sneaking looks at him but he decided to ignore it. He wouldn’t allow his mood to turn sour. 

The last member of the BAU team arrived seven minutes and thirty one seconds after JJ had place a thin stack of folders onto Spencer’s desk. Derek Morgan swaggered into the bullpen and stopped short upon seeing Reid at his desk. Reid could feel the look Morgan was giving him. 

Suddenly, he was regretting his decision to come back to work. Reid wanted to hide underneath his desk, hide away from Morgan’s judgement. It never came, however. Morgan said good morning to him and Prentiss, before sitting down at his desk. He and Prentiss exchanged a few stories about their yesterday evenings. 

It almost made Reid uncomfortable. The bitter voice that floated inside of his brain was telling him that he shouldn’t have expected anything different. These were the same people who let him die in a rancid smelling shack. Reid shut his eyes, trying to shove the thought away. Deciding that it would be a good time to see Garcia, Spencer stood up and made his way to her room. He knocked on the door. 

“Come in!” Penelope called out in near sing-song.

Reid pushed the door open. Penelope turned around and immediately stood up upon seeing who it was. 

“Reid? Oh my goodness, you should not be here! Why are you here?” Garcia’s voice was sweet and loud. 

She rushed over to Reid, frowning at him for a brief moment before a smile took over once more. 

“I just was ready to come back to work,” Reid answered her question. 

This brought back the frown. 

“Oh no, Einstein, you went through hell, and I refuse to believe that five days off is enough time to recover from hell,” Garcia told him. 

“I’m really fine, Garcia,” Reid lied. 

Penelope gave him a good hard stare before wrapping him up in a hug. Spencer didn’t return the favor, he just stood there and allowed himself to be hugged. He found himself almost spilling everything to Penelope right then and there, but he refrained. No one could know. 

“Oh, sugar cakes, I’m glad to see you back,” Garcia said as she pulled away, “It’s been so lonely without you. I mean, talking to Morgan all the time gets so boring, but don’t tell him. He may be the spice, but you’re definitely the rice to the whole meal.” 

Spencer had no idea what Garcia meant by that. 

“Thanks,” he ventured, assuming that it was some sort of compliment. 

“So, tell me how you are,” Garcia demanded, sitting down in her chair. 

“I’m great,” lied Spencer again, “I’m feeling a lot better after my absence. I visited my mom, which was a nice change of pace.” 

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Garcia cooed, “I’m sure your mom really liked that. Did you do anything else fun in Las Vegas?” 

In a relative way of speaking, yes, Spencer had purchased vials of dilaudid relatively cheap and that had been fun. He had fed his slowly growing drug addiction, which in a sense was fun for him because it lessened the pain. 

“Not really,” Reid replied, “I just wanted to spend some time with my mom, so that’s all I really did and it was enough fun for me.” 

“Well, at least you had fun visiting your mom. I’m super duper happy to hear that you’re doing okay,” Garcia gushed, “But know that if you ever need to talk about anything, anything at all, I am like 1000% always ready to talk, so just call me any time, I’m always free except when I’m not.” 

“Thank you, Garcia, I’ll keep that in mind,” Reid assured her. 

The rest of the morning went by smoothly. It was one of those dog days, when there wasn’t any case invitations so the team just caught up on paperwork and the like. Reid had a little more to do than Prentiss or Morgan due to his five day absence but he really didn’t mind. 

Then the afternoon crawled by. Paperwork kept him busy. Despite this, he could feel the craving deep in the pit of his stomach. Calling to him. But he couldn’t let Tobias or the drugs take work away from him. They were already trying to take his mind. The afternoon rolled into the evening and soon it was time to go home. 

The day had been a good one. Spencer gathered his things, ready to go home and take a shower. In the back of his mind, he was also ready to sleep because that meant another fix. 

“Hey, Reid, Prentiss, Garcia, and I are going to try out that new Mexican place down the street for dinner, wanna come?” Morgan offered as he too gathered up his things. 

“It’s supposed to be really good,” added Prentiss. 

“No, I have some reading I’d like to finish tonight,” Reid lied. 

“Oh,” Morgan looked almost dejected, “Well, that’s okay. Maybe the next time we have a lunch break, we can go.” 

The phrasing puzzled Spencer for half a second. 

“Sure,” Reid nodded. 

He decided to take the stairs. Hearing Prentiss and Morgan talk while they waited for Garcia to join them made Spencer feel left out. It was a ridiculous notion of course, they had invited him along and he had turned them down. But part of Reid did feel left out, and not because of the restaurant. 

Being the genius that he was, he had never really had the chance to fit in. At school, he had been too young and too smart to make friends with the kids. At home, he had been more or less the adult. And now at work. Things were different at work. Gideon had seen to that. 

Gideon had made time for Reid, had provided him with the father figure he never had. It was thanks to Gideon that people took Spencer seriously in his field and even within the team. Reid had never said that he loved Gideon, even to himself, but his emotions were that of love and respect. Jason was the father Reid had never had, after all. 

For a moment, the thoughts of Gideon were pleasant ones, as usual, just like normal. But then the memory of Gideon’s voice on that video message came to him. Telling him that he could survive what had happened to him. Then the memory of pain, of fear, of death. Of the blissful moments when Tobias shot him up with dilaudid. The sickening feeling of knowing he had chosen someone to die, in a roundabout way. 

“Pick one who lives,” Tobias had said. Reid had picked. 

It was too much. Reid sat down onto the concrete floor of the stairwell. He was two flights away from being out of the building. The memory of digging his own grave. Panic rose like pile in his throat. He hadn’t known if Hotch had figured out his message. He hadn’t known that they were coming to save him. All he had known was the imminent threat of a second death. 

“Please,” he said aloud, “I just want it to be over with.” 

“It helps,” Tobias’s disembodied voice whispered into Spencer’s ear. 

Yes, it did help. But not here. Reid stood up and made his way down the last two flights. He exited the building and headed for the subway. It was not crowded but it was not empty. Spencer stood the whole ride. Exit the train. Exit the station. Walk the few blocks between the station to his apartment complex. 

He was home. 

Shutting the door behind him, Spencer leaned back against the wood and rummaged through his go bag until he found the vial he had packed that morning. Then he found the syringe. With what he needed in hand, he discarded the bag to the floor. 

It felt better, once he had slipped the needle into his vein and had pressed down onto the plunger. The memories faded and he took deep breathes. Sliding to the floor, Reid just breathed. In and out. For a while. It felt better when he was high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This fic is set post Revelations obviously. Originally I was going to try to mirror the case that crops up after Revelations but it was easier to differ from canon, so there will be two cases dealt within this fic, along with a slight Morgan/Reid subplot bc that is the ultimate ship. If you enjoyed reading this, maybe leave a kudos & a comment. Stay tuned for more soon! :)


	2. Chapter 2

He woke up screaming. 

“You are weak! Pathetic!” Tobias’s voice rang in his ears. 

But it was a quickly fading echoed. He had been deep within R.E.M sleep. He had been having a nightmare. Blood pounded in his ears, his breathing heavy. Taking two calming breaths, Reid pressed the palms of his hands into his eye sockets until he saw pinpricks of light. 

Then he removed his hands and glanced at the analog clock that stood on his bedside table. It was 4:22 in the morning. He checked his phone. There were no texts messages or missed calls. No case yet. At 6:30 he would have to be at work. 

Spencer got dressed, washed his face and brushed his teeth. Glancing into the little box he was keeping his vials of dilaudid, Reid realized that perhaps he would have to look into drug dealers in the area. It wasn’t as if he was going to run out tomorrow, but it would be nice to make sure he always had some on hand. 

Maybe he would go visit his mother again. It was easy enough to purchase drugs in a city like Las Vegas. As he pondered what to do, Spencer made himself some toast and coffee. Dumping about a quart of sugar into the black substance, Reid ate his toast and drank his coffee in silence. Going through the motions. Afraid that if he put thought into anything more complicated than where he would buy his next vials Tobias’s voice would find him. 

With breakfast finished and his body clothed, there was only one thing to do before heading to the subway. Using the vial from the other night, Reid emptied the tiny bottle, shooting up in the bathroom again. More syringes would need to be purchased, he made a mental note. They were easy enough to get online. Ah, the wonders of the internet. 

Now everything had been done. Spencer was ready for work. Making sure that a vial and syringe were in his go bag, just in case as always, Reid exited his apartment. The sun was shining brightly and a cool breeze was about. Overall, it was a nice day out, with the temperature mild. A lovely day for walking. 

He didn’t feel as stellar as he had had yesterday morning, but he didn’t feel bad either. Neutral. Spencer felt neutral. He didn’t want to think too hard at the moment, wanted to save his strength for the day to come. Go into the subway. Get onto a train. Get off the train. Exit the subway. It was simple. 

Reid took the elevator, glancing at his wristwatch as the mechanical box was propelled upwards. 5:29. Early once again. A part of him wondered if he should try to come in closer to 6:30, that perhaps him coming into work this early every day would make someone suspicious. That somehow his punctuality could be tied back to his drug use and his instability. 

The ding the elevators made when they whooshed open spooked him. 

Train of thought derailed, Spencer exited the elevator and beelined for his desk. Settling himself down into his chair, Reid pulled out a book he kept in his satchel. A long winded tale of astronomy from the 1800s. Something he had picked up during a book sale a few months back. 

“Good morning, Spencer,” Jason Gideon greeted as he walked into the bullpen on the way to his office. 

Spencer closed his book upon looking up. 

“Morning, Gideon,” Reid replied. 

“Early today,” Gideon remarked. 

“I didn’t have much to do this morning,” Reid told the truth, and it was. 

There was nothing for him at home. Except the peace of privacy to hide his shameful secret. 

“Can I interest you in a game of chess before work officially starts?” Gideon wondered. 

There was a slight tone change in Gideon. Reid wasn’t sure if he had imagined it though, or was reading too much into the other man. Maybe it was just a game of chess. Either way, he had to say yes. Spencer always accepted Gideon’s chess invitations. 

“I’m always interested in a game of chess,” Reid spoke carefully, trying to sound his usual self. 

“Alright,” Gideon offered Reid a quick smile before continuing his journey to his office. 

Stashing the astronomy book back into his satchel, Spencer followed Gideon to his office. The morning light filtered in through the half closed blinds. Gideon sat his stuff down on his desk and then got out a chessboard. Spencer took a seat and watched as Gideon set up the pieces. 

“You be white, I’ll be black,” Gideon said as he spun the board around so that the white pieces were closest to Spencer. 

Reid nodded his acknowledgment, moving a pawn. Then Gideon took his turn. For a few minutes, the two played in silence. Spencer’s mind was focused on the game and all other thoughts ceased. Until Gideon spoke, that is. 

“I’m sorry, Spencer,” Gideon said after taking one of Reid’s pawns. 

“It was a calculated loss,” Reid frowned, believing that Gideon was referring to the action that had just happened on the board. 

“A good move,” chuckled Gideon, “But I wasn’t talking about chess.” 

Reid looked up from the board, looked at Jason. 

“I don’t think I understand,” he confessed, “I don’t see why you have anything to be sorry for.” 

Gideon brushed his thumb against his nose. 

“I was going to pull you aside yesterday to apologize, but you seemed happy to be with your work,” Gideon said, eyes trained on the board. 

He took his turn. 

“I was,” Reid didn’t understand what Gideon was getting at. 

Moving one of his knights, Spencer’s heart began to pick up speed. Did Gideon already figure out that he was using? Had Gideon already seen through Reid’s lies? But Gideon was not looking at Reid. He was focused on the chessboard. 

“You’re a strong individual, Spencer,” he continued, mulling over his next move, “But no one should have gone through what you did. It was my fault.” 

There was no substantial emotion that Reid could pick up on when Gideon spoke. The older man talked like he usually did, although there was a hint of melancholy. Only a hint, however. 

“I was the one who split up from JJ,” Reid found himself saying, “And there wasn’t any way to contact either of us. There wasn’t a signal.” 

Part of him cursed himself for not allowing Gideon to take the blame. The other half of him hated the part of him that had thought that. Mixed emotions. 

“Yes, that’s all true,” Gideon nodded, “But I’m the senior profiler. I should have noticed something was fishy with the dog reports. I didn’t.” 

Gideon moved a piece. 

Reid moved a piece. 

“And it didn’t help that I left you a message, after Mr. Hankel forced you to practically decide who would die and then make you watch in real time,” Gideon moved a black knight, “When I had thought you had died, I couldn’t help but feel responsible. I should have protected you from that, Spencer. And I’m sorry that I didn’t.” 

Reid couldn’t focus on the chess anymore. 

“I did die,” Reid corrected softly, his voice almost a whisper. 

“Hmm?” 

“I was dead for at least a minute or two. I did die,” Reid spoke up. 

In the back of his mind, Reid heard Tobias laughing at him.

Gideon’s gaze left the chessboard and locked onto Reid. There was pain in his eyes, mixed strongly with affection and sympathy. 

“You’re right, you did die,” Gideon agreed, “And that was my fault. But you survived that. Which is why I need to know that you’re working through it.” 

“I’m coping,” Reid answered truthfully. He was coping. 

As if to prove himself, Spencer made his move. 

“You’ll have checkmate in two,” Gideon observed. 

Spencer made no indication of responding. 

“Don’t keep things bottled up like you do, Reid. Not with this. Eventually, you’ll need to purge and it’s better to do that sooner, rather than later. It will only make things easier,” Gideon said before taking his turn. 

Before either man could speak again, there was a knock on the door. Reid glanced over to see JJ just poking her head inside the room. 

“Oh, hi, Spence,” JJ greeted as she realized Spencer was in the room. 

This indicated that she hadn’t heard anything. It was a great relief to Spencer. 

“Morning, JJ,” Reid replied. 

“Sorry to interrupt…,” JJ spotted the chessboard just in time, “Your game of chess, but we’ve got a case. Team’s meeting in the briefing room in five.”

“Thank you, JJ,” Gideon said. 

JJ nodded and then exited the room, disappearing around the corner. Reid looked down at the chessboard in front of him. 

“Thank you, Gideon,” Reid said after a moment. 

“I’m always here if you ever need to talk,” Gideon reminded the young genius. 

Spencer stood up and left. He wasn’t sure how he felt. There was anger, fear, frustration, emptiness. But there was also a feeling of dread. They had a case. It would be his first case since Tobias. The first real test to see if he was truly able to return to his normal life. 

Prentiss had already settled down in her desk, with Morgan just walking in. Emily was checking her go back, making sure she had packed the bare essentials. 

“Morning, Prentiss,” Reid greeted her. 

He was unsure of his motives for doing so. 

“Oh, hey,” Emily grinned, “JJ tell you we’ve got a case?” 

“Yes, she just did a few seconds ago,” Reid confirmed. 

“I hope it isn’t too far away. I had a hell of a night last night. Sergio had an upset stomach so I was cleaning cat puke up most of the night, so I would not appreciate a long plane ride,” Prentiss revealed. 

“At least you weren’t trying to sleep in,” groaned Morgan. 

“You were trying to sleep in on a work day?” Prentiss raised an eyebrow. 

“I know, what else should I have expected,” Morgan rolled his eyes, pausing to give Reid a sly once-over, “You look like you could’ve used a day to sleep in.” 

“Actually, there have been studies proving that people can maintain with only five to six hours of sleep,” Reid rattled off the fact, “I got about five.” 

“Reid, are you rounding?” smirked Morgan. 

“I don’t know everything,” Reid snapped. 

It had been a reflex. He had known that Morgan was joking around. He even knew the tone of his voice wasn’t that defensive, but despite this Reid physically cringed. He hadn’t meant to do that. 

“Can you quote the whole movie Titanic?” Prentiss joked after a moment, “Because I once knew this guy who could. It was oddly amazing.” 

Despite the odd look Morgan shot Spencer, he didn’t press the issue. Reid was grateful. Gideon’s talk had rattled him a little. As Prentiss told of this man who knew Titanic word for word, the three profilers made their way into the conference room. Gideon was already there, along with Hotchner, JJ, and Garcia. 

“Alright,” JJ began as Reid, Morgan, and Prentiss took their seats, “We’ve got a case in South Carolina. Three victims, two female prostitutes and then a college student. Their names were Tiffany Anders, Carol Morgans, and Grace Whitman.” 

As she spoke, JJ passed out the file for the case as Garcia pulled up images of the latest crime scene. Reid flipped through the case file, quickly taking in the words on the pages but stopped short when he got to the pictures. 

They were of Grace Whitman. 

“All three victims had defensive wounds and no signs of sexual assault,” JJ continued, “They were abducted within a six mile radius, at different locations.”

“It says in the file they were suffocated,” Morgan frowned, “But from the pictures there aren’t any indications of strangulation.” 

“They were buried alive,” Prentiss informed him. She had been reading ahead. 

Reid looked back down at the pictures in the file. Grace Whitman had been bound with rope on both her ankles and wrists. A fine layer of dirt was still coating her uncovered body. A shallow grave. 

As Reid stared at the picture, Grace’s fine features melted into those of Spencer. It was not Grace Whitman who was in that shallow grave, it was Spencer Reid. He was looking at a picture of his own grave, his own case file. Spencer shut his eyes, counted to three, and then opened them. 

Grace Whitman had returned. 

“... Wheels up in thirty,” Hotch said suddenly. 

Spencer had zoned out. The briefing was over. He’d have to pick up on what he missed during the plane ride. As the team began to file out of the conference room to grab their go bags, Penelope managed to sidle up alongside Reid. 

“Hey there, you alright?” Garcia asked, a concerned smile dominating her face. 

“What? Yeah, I’m fine, why do you ask?” Reid replied. 

“You seemed pretty quiet during the briefing in there and then there was that weird moment when I looked over and you looked pretty freaked out,” Garcia informed him, “And I just wanted to make sure you were alright because you’re like family and I hate to think of you going on a case that just like was making you feel all weird and stuff, ya know.” 

It always amazed Spencer how fast Garcia could talk sometimes. That wasn’t a bad thing, Reid liked having conversations with Penelope after all. 

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine, I just was thinking about stuff,” shrugged Spencer. 

Garcia narrowed her eyes at him. For a moment, Reid worried that she was going to ask him to elaborate on what he had meant by ‘stuff’. 

“Okie dokie, well, look you need someone to talk to during this case or anything, I’m just a phone call away, okay, so you better call me,” Penelope insisted. 

“I will,” said Reid, although he wasn’t sure if he really meant it. 

“Good,” Garcia grinned. 

Thirty minutes later, the team was on the jet, heading for Dayton, South Carolina. Hotch, Morgan, and Prentiss were sitting at the little table that was in the interior while Gideon was in the seat opposite. Spencer had decided it best to seat himself a little bit away from the rest of the team. 

Not too far away, of course, that it would be suspicious. So Spencer sat on the couch. 

“So our unsub kidnaps these women, two high risk victims and then transitioning to a low risk one,” Morgan was saying. 

“So he’s becoming more confident,” suggested JJ. 

“If that’s the case, he might also be speeding up the time he spends with each victim,” Hotch said, “Tiffany was missing for a week before she was found in a shallow grave. Carol then was missing for five days before being found. And then Grace was only missing for two days.” 

“Autopsies show that each victim had been beaten before being buried alive, which resulted in asphyxiation,” Morgan added, “So what does he do with them for the time he has them.” 

“I don’t think it’s about the torture prior, it’s about the burial,” Gideon spoke up, “The unsub would have done more to the victims if it were about the torture.” 

“Yeah, but burying someone alive is pretty sadistic,” Prentiss pointed out. 

“Maybe the unsub is using these women as surrogates for someone who hurt him,” Reid said. 

He had been silent up until then. Hotchner glanced up at him, making Reid want to squirm in his seat. 

“That could be true,” Gideon agreed. 

“So the unsub could be on a revenge spree, working up to the person he really wants to bury alive,” Morgan flipped through his copy of the file again. 

“Okay, when we land, I’d like Morgan and Reid to go to the coroner's office to see the victims’ bodies, Gideon and Prentiss will go to the dump site of Grace Whitman, and JJ and I will go to the station,” Hotch instructed. 

The rest of the plane ride went by relatively quickly and before Spencer knew it, the jet was landing. They split up then, taking the usual black SUVs that were provided for the BAU team when they were invited in on a case. 

Morgan drove. 

The traffic was on the lower side, with the SUV breezing through green lights. Ten minutes later, Morgan was pulling into the parking lot of the coroner's office. The two agents got out and headed into the building. They were greeted by Dr. Susan Fischer, a petite, slender black woman who radiated power. 

“Agents, thank you for coming,” Dr. Fischer said as she shook Morgan’s hand. 

“We’d like to see the bodies of the victims,” Morgan informed her. 

“Of course, I’ve got them laid out in an examination room,” Dr. Fischer nodded her head, “Follow me.” 

Dr. Fischer lead Morgan and Reid down a hallway and into a room with three tables. On those tables were the bodies of Tiffany, Carol, and Grace. 

“Did you get the autopsy reports that were sent with the files?” Dr. Fischer asked. 

“Yes, we did,” Reid answered, his feet carrying him ever closer to the table that Grace Whitman was displayed on. 

Only a white cloth hid her body. 

“Well, there isn’t much else to say. You can see the bruising on each one for yourselves, there was tissue damage to the abdomen, like the killer kicked them repeatedly there. Then there are ligature marks on the wrists and ankles, but those were because he had tied them up. Dirt was found in the lungs and under the fingernails,” Dr. Fischer told them. 

Morgan pulled back the white cloth that was covering Tiffany’s body. Spencer pulled back the white cloth that was covering Grace’s body. She looked peaceful, not like in the picture. She was a sickly white, but if she had been a bit less pale, Reid could have imagined that she was just sleeping. 

“That was almost you, Spencer,” Tobias’s voice suddenly hissed. 

Trying not to jump, Reid casually glanced over his shoulder. Tobias Hankel was nowhere to be seen. He was dead. Spencer turned back to look at Grace. That could have been him, Tobias’s voice had been right. Suddenly, there was not enough air in the room for him. His lungs were burning and he could almost feel dirt brushing against his skin. 

No, he couldn’t stay here. If he stayed another moment, he felt he would vomit. Without a word, Spencer made his way to the door and exited. Leaning back against the wall next to the door, Reid sucked in the cool air of the hallway. A moment later, the door opened as Morgan came out. 

“Reid, are you okay?” he asked. 

Spencer didn’t respond, all he could think about was Grace. She had probably begged. She had probably cried. She had probably blamed herself in the last moments of her life. She had died alone and afraid, just like Spencer almost had. 

“Damn it, Reid, answer me!” Morgan’s voice cut in. 

He had continued talking to him after his initial question but Spencer had been too distracted and hadn’t heard him. 

“What?” Reid asked. 

“Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Morgan repeated. 

“Oh…,” Spencer was realizing what a mistake he had made. 

Morgan would tell Hotch about this and Hotch might take him off the case. If he couldn’t be valuable to the team, he’d get taken off this case and sent home. He couldn’t go home. He needed to work. 

“I’m alright, I just needed a moment is all, I’m fine,” Reid quickly said before walking back into the display room. 

“Everything okay?” Dr. Fischer wanted to know. 

“Yes, everything’s fine,” Spencer told her, “Did the toxicology reports of the victims show any signs of drugs?” 

Dr. Fischer blinked. She looked torn between worry and curiosity. Morgan entered the room then, just as Reid asked his question. Spencer didn’t look at him. 

“No, the reports came back negative. The killer didn’t drug any of them,” Dr. Fischer answered. 

“Gideon was right, it isn’t about the torture, it’s about burying the victims alive,” Reid said, turning to Morgan as he did so. 

The job was done here. Now it was time to go to the station and meet up with Hotch and JJ. Reid walked out of the room again as Morgan thanked Dr. Fischer. He kept walking, all the way back to the car. He clambered into the passenger’s seat. 

The memories were coming to him and he needed it. It was in the bag, the needle and the vial. Just a moment alone was all it would take. But he couldn’t. This case could last for a while yet and Spencer had only packed one vial. 

“Hey, Reid, what was that back there?” Morgan once again interrupted Reid’s thoughts. 

He was sitting in the driver’s seat, starting up the SUV. Spencer wasn’t sure how to answer that one. Morgan pulled out of the parking lot. 

“You can talk to me, man, c’mon,” Morgan insisted. 

“When you guys found me, Tobias was making me dig my own grave,” Reid mumbled after a moment. 

“What?” Morgan looked at Reid almost horrified before returning his eyes back onto the road, “You never told Hotch or Gideon that, did you?” 

“No… I, um, didn’t think it was relevant,” Reid didn’t want to talk about this, “It’s in the past anyhow and Tobias is dead. So it doesn’t matter.” 

“Reid, it does matter. I mean, man, look, you can’t keep that sort of stuff to yourself. You gotta let us help you through this,” Morgan reminded him. 

“They let you die, though, Spencer,” Tobias sounded as if he were in the back seat, “You died in that shack and I brought you back only to kill you again. They didn’t help you then, why do they want to help you now?” 

“I don’t really want to talk about this right now, okay Morgan,” Reid told his friend. 

“... Okay Reid, we don’t have to talk about it right now,” Morgan sounded conflicted, “But I’m not letting this conversation go, we’re going to talk about this later.” 

Spencer glanced in the back seat. No one was there. Why did he keep hearing Tobias’s voice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for reading! Please leaves a kudos & a comment! The next chapter will be out soon. I do not yet know how long this fic will end up being, but I am about two chapters ahead of when I publish a chapter. I hope this was just as enjoyable as the last. Thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

By the time night had rolled around, the BAU team had given the profile and had a good list of suspects. The unsub was a white male in his early twenties, acting out a revenge fantasy that involved a woman in his life that had hurt him in some way. He lived within a twenty mile radius of the abduction and dump sites, most likely lived alone, and this would all end with him burying the woman he had in mind alive. 

The suspects would be interviewed tomorrow. 

For now, Hotchner had ordered his team to get some sleep. It was nearing eleven o’clock and they would all have to be up before five. Reid was having trouble keeping himself still. All he needed was a fix. The pain was slowly eating at him again, causing him to itch at himself. Why itch, he didn’t know for sure. 

And he kept smelling burning fish liver. The same smell of that shack. 

The police chief had provided each of them with separate rooms, something Spencer was immensely grateful for. He could keep his dirty secret better that way. The ride up the elevator with his team was tense. Reid kept feeling like everyone was staring at him, even though none of them were. The elevator took them up to the third floor and then released them. 

“Goodnight everyone, get some sleep and we’ll regroup in the morning,” Hotch said as they began parting ways. 

Not wanting to get cornered by one of his well meaning teammates, Spencer darted to his room and quickly let himself inside. Making sure the door was closed, Reid dumped the contents of his go bag onto the bed. For a moment, Spencer felt the cold clutches of panic seize him. He couldn’t find the needles and the vial. 

But they were only hiding underneath his change of clothes. Reid snatched them up and quickly went into the bathroom, just like at home. The smell of burning fish liver was so strong now, it burned in Spencer’s mouth. It couldn’t be here though. Why was he smelling that? 

“It’s because you died, Spencer. You’ve never left that shack. I killed you, don’t you remember?” Tobias taunted. 

Tobias…. 

The door to the bathroom was open and Reid’s legs buckled underneath him, sending him down to the floor. Tobias Hankel stood in the doorway of the bathroom. That couldn’t be right. No, that wasn’t right. He couldn’t be there. He wasn’t there.

“I killed you, Spencer,” Tobias repeated, “You think I really brought you back to life? Are you sure about that? Maybe you died, and this you is just… not you. Maybe you’re still with him back in that shack, your last moments being a projection of what you want to happen but reality keeps slipping in. Or you are an imposter, someone else who’s pretending to be you. I mean, the real Spencer Reid wouldn’t have let himself get caught by an unsub like me, and he certainly wouldn’t do drugs. And what are you doing? Drugs. Maybe I’ll go let your teammates know.” 

He wasn’t real. Tobias Hankel was dead. Spencer had killed him. He was dead. With a shaking hand, Reid filled the syringe with dilaudid and slipped the needle into the crook of his arm. Plunging down the plunger, Reid shut his eyes tightly as he waited for the pain to go away. 

It did. 

Opening his eyes, Spencer saw that Tobias was gone. Of course he was gone, he hadn’t even been there in the first place. Nonetheless, the interaction had scared Spencer. Was he seeing things? It had to have been a symptom of withdrawal. Yes, that’s what it was. A symptom of withdrawal. Spencer stood up and tidied up his room. 

He couldn’t have a mess in here. Once that was finished, Reid crawled into bed, neglecting to even put on his pajamas. The fright he’d given himself and the stress of the day had made him very tired. So he turned off the lights and settled down under the covers. The room was silent, the traffic outside barely audible. It felt good, like a warm embrace. He drifted into unconsciousness feeling good. 

Yet his dreams were plagued with Tobias and the shack. He saw Tobias beating him, saw the chair topple over and his body begin to convulse as he choked. Reid screamed for someone to help him, screamed for anyone, but no one answered. Looking on in horror, Spencer saw his body still. His eyes were beginning to glaze over. He had died. 

“No,” Reid whispered and repeated it to himself. 

He couldn’t look away from his own dead, glassy eyes. 

“Reid!” 

Spencer’s eyes flew open and he felt hands on his shoulders. It was bright in the room. It was Tobias, his mind screamed at him then, screamed at him that he was in danger. 

“Get away from me! Help!” Reid shrieked, flinging his hands at his attacker to defend himself. 

“Spencer, stop, it’s me, Derek! It’s Morgan, Reid!” Morgan exclaimed, backing away quickly and bringing his hands into the air. 

Reid brought his knees up to his chest and stared at Morgan. It was him. It was Derek and not Tobias. He had been having a nightmare, he realized then. 

“How’d you get in here?” Spencer demanded, not caring if his anger towards Morgan could be heard. 

Reid noticed a third person in the room. It was JJ. She had a pained, worried expression on her face. 

“I got the manager to let us in,” JJ spoke up, stepping more into the light of the lamp, “I told him we just needed to check on you.” 

“What for? I’m fine,” Reid began to worry that he had been screaming again in his sleep. 

No, he told himself, if he had been screaming the whole team would have been in here. 

“My room’s right next to yours,” Morgan explained, “And I heard you crying. I thought, well I just needed to make sure you were okay and so I got JJ to help me get in here. You were crying in your sleep and you kept thrashing around.” 

“Were you having a nightmare?” JJ asked. 

Spencer didn’t want this. He wasn’t a child but the memory of his dream was too fresh for him. He lowered his head onto his knees, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. The imagine of his own dead eyes staring at him wouldn’t go away. 

He felt a pressure on the edge of his bed. Glancing up, he saw that JJ had pulled the wooden chair that had been in the corner next to a desk beside the bed and Morgan had sat down on the edge. They weren’t planning on leaving. 

“It was just a dream,” Reid began but he couldn’t continue. 

JJ and Morgan exchanged quick glances. 

“Spence, what was the nightmare about?” JJ asked. 

She smiled kindly at him. Spencer had always loved JJ’s smile. He licked his lips, eyes looking downwards at his feet. 

“I, um, I was watching Tobias kill me, in the shack,” Reid finally admitted, arms squeezing his legs closer to his chest. 

Even though Morgan was not touching Reid, Spencer swore he felt the other man tense up. 

“I tried to get help, but no one came, and then I looked at myself and my eyes, they were glassy and lifeless,” he continued, unable to hold back the last piece of information. 

“That’s horrible, I’m so sorry,” said JJ. 

Reid realized that he would need to cover this. If JJ and Morgan were too concerned about him, they could bring this incident up with Hotch who had the power to send him home, take him off the case. And the incident with Morgan at the morgue earlier wouldn’t help him. 

“It’s okay,” Reid stated, even though it wasn’t okay at all, “It’s just my first case back since then, and seeing the dead bodies of those women got to me is all. I really am fine, it’s just been a long day and I guess I had a lot on my mind.” 

“Are you sure?” JJ looked sympathetic. Reid didn’t like all this attention. 

“Yes, I’m sure. Scientists still don’t know why we dream. The best theory that’s out there is that the brain utilizes R.E.M sleep to process and deal with unconscious thoughts and to turn short term memories into long term ones,” Spencer replied. 

“Alright then,” JJ stood up, “Well, we have another hour to sleep, so I’m going to go back to bed.” 

She bid Reid a goodbye, then Morgan, before slipping out of the room. Spencer waited for Morgan to leave, but three minutes passed and the man hadn’t removed himself from Spencer’s bed. 

“Are you going to go back to bed?” Reid spoke up. 

“Nah, once I’m up, I’m up, and I know you’re the same type of guy, so why don’t we go grab some coffee at the diner down the street,” Morgan suggested, finally getting up off the bed, “That’s where we’re meeting anyways in an hour.” 

He needed to say no, but Morgan was right. He wouldn’t be going back to sleep. If Spencer declined the offer, Morgan might get suspicious and Reid’s half-lie would be rendered useless.

“I need a few minutes to get dressed,” Reid informed the older profiler. 

“Okay, I gotta go grab something from my room, anyways,” Morgan said, “I’ll meet you by the elevators and we’ll head down.” 

Reid nodded and watched as Morgan left the room. Only when he heard the click of the hotel room door did Spencer move. He quickly shed his clothes from yesterday, pulling on a clean pair of slacks and a shirt. Then he went into the bathroom, did his morning routine, and paused. He needed to utilize his one vial and right now Spencer had no need for a fix. 

It would have to come later. With this decided, Reid slipped his vial and a clean needle into his satchel. He was ready to go. Stepping out of his hotel room, Spencer made his way to where the elevators were. Morgan was standing near one, waiting for one of the metal boxes to appear. 

They waited for the elevator to arrive in a comfortable silence. Well, Spencer hoped it was a comfortable silence. Soon enough, the silver doors swung open and the two FBI profilers stepped onto the elevator. 

“So what do you think about this case?” Morgan wondered as he pressed the lobby button and the doors slid shut. 

“The few suspects we have will probably not amount to anything,” Reid responded, “Maybe, but I don’t believe any of them will turn out to be the unsub. I think when we talk to Grace Whitman’s roommate, we will have a better break.” 

“You don’t think that the third victim was a victim of opportunity?” Morgan raised an eyebrow.

“He’s not devolving, he’s becoming more confident,” Reid pointed out, “So I think that while the unsub had Carol, he was most likely stalking Grace.” 

“If that’s the case, maybe the roommate might have noticed something,” Morgan nodded his head. 

The doors opened, depositing the two profilers into the lobby of the hotel. They exited the building and headed towards the diner. 

“Reid, hey, wait,” Morgan said suddenly, stopping them halfway to the diner. 

Spencer’s stomach dropped. 

“Look, man, I hope you didn’t mind me coming into your room earlier,” Morgan apologized in a way. 

“It’s fine,” Reid brushed it off. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You went through something pretty bad,” Morgan continued, “And you can’t lie to me and say you’re sharing your feelings, because you neglected to tell any of us about the grave thing.”

“What did you think I was shovelling for, Morgan? What did the team think Tobias was making me do?” Reid said quietly. 

There was a pause in the conversation. A truck barreled down the road. 

“I guess it should have been obvious, maybe it was obvious to Hotch and Gideon, why they didn’t ask or anything, but I… I was just relieved to know you were safe. That we’d found you,” Morgan admitted, scuffing his foot against the pavement of the sidewalk, “I was so scared and angry when you went missing. I… thought you had died and I would never see you again.” 

Seeing Morgan be so open about how he felt made something hurt inside him. Spencer was grateful that Tobias’s voice seemed to be out of order at the moment, so to speak. 

“I was scared, too,” Reid informed the older profiler, “I was scared that Hotch hadn’t recognized my hint, scared that I was going to die a second time, all alone.” 

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Morgan gently pulled Reid into a hug. 

At first, Spencer was just as stiff as a board, but he eventually relaxed, even returned the hug. They stood there for a moment before pulling apart. Reid swiped at his eyes, hoping that Morgan wouldn’t notice the slight tears. That had been the first time Reid had honestly opened up about what was happening inside of him.

“Good morning, Spencer, Derek,” Gideon greeted suddenly. 

Reid and Morgan both turned, startled, to see the senior profiler stopped behind them. 

“Morning, Gideon,” Morgan replied. Spencer was silent. 

Had Gideon seen him hug Morgan? Had he seen him wipe away tears? 

“Heading to the diner early?” Gideon questioned. 

“Neither of us could sleep, so we decided we could talk a bit about the case over a cup of coffee,” Morgan answered. 

“I hear they have good pie,” Gideon commented, resuming his walk to the diner. 

Morgan gave Reid a look that Reid wasn’t paying enough attention to, so he wasn’t entirely sure what the look was supposed to convey. They fell in step with Jason. When they arrived at the diner, it was nearly empty. Save a few businessmen catching a bite to eat before their nine to five work hours and the staff, the diner was devoid of life. 

The three profiles slid into an empty booth. A waitress came over. Her name tag read Hannah. 

“What can I get you all to drink?” she asked, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen. 

“We’ll take coffees,” Gideon replied. 

This was satisfactory to Morgan and Reid, although it bothered Spencer that the senior profiler had ordered for him. Hannah nodded and went to go fetch them their coffees. Reid looked at the diner’s menu, which was displayed on boards above the serving window that looked into the kitchen. 

Spencer read each item on the board, along with the corresponding price. Usually, he wasn’t so picky about breakfast. Oatmeal or pancakes, with coffee and juice. That was what he usually ordered, since those items were almost always on any breakfast menu. If was feeling up to it and if it was on the menu, he’d even get a cinnamon roll or french toast. It just depended. 

But he wasn’t sure know. It felt wrong eating when there was a killer on the loose. What if, while Spencer ate, another woman was buried alive? He would be enjoying his meal as a woman cried out for help before dying alone. 

“Alrighty, here we our,” Hannah smiled, placing a cup of coffee in front of each BAU member, “Your coffees. Can I get you guys something to eat then?” 

Once more, she pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil. 

“I’ll take a slice of whatever’s your best pie,” Gideon replied.

Hannah nodded, jotting that down onto her pad of paper.

“Um, I’ll take pancakes, with a side of bacon,” Morgan said next. 

Again, Hannah nodded, jotting that down onto her pad of paper. Now it was Reid’s turn to order. 

“Eggs and toast,” he said simply. 

After nodding her head and jotting his order down onto her paper, Hannah disappeared into the kitchen. 

Morgan and Gideon began to talk about the case. Spencer drifted in and out of listening, trying his best to focus but intrusive thoughts kept creeping up on him. Why had he seen Tobias in his hotel room last night? Was that his imagination or… 

No, of course it had been just his imagination. Tobias Hankel was a dead corpse, either buried in the ground or burnt to ashes. Ghost didn’t exist, there was no proof of them, so Spencer wasn’t being haunted. It had just been his imagination. 

“Reid?” Morgan’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah?” Spencer frowned, glancing over to Morgan. 

The profiler jerked his head towards the senior of the trio. Spencer turned his gaze to Gideon. 

“Have you gotten anywhere with the geographical profile yet?” Gideon repeated. 

Reid didn’t particularly like the odd once-over Gideon gave him as he spoke. 

“I didn’t get a chance to start that yesterday,” he informed Jason, “Hotch had me with Prentiss, we inspected the bodies at the morgue.” 

“I’ve been keeping everyone busy,” Aaron Hotchner suddenly said. 

The sudden appearance of the BAU team leader startled Spencer, but he tried not to let that ruffle his exterior. Hotchner took the free space next to Gideon. Just as he sat down, Hannah came back with their orders. 

“Can I get you some coffee?” she asked Aaron. 

“Yes, thank you,” Hotch nodded with a smile. 

Hannah smiled back and then left the table. 

“You’ll have time to work on the geographical profile today, Reid. The rest of the team will be busy with interviews. This is a pressing case,” Hotchner informed the three other agents. 

"At least it's suspects today," Morgan sighed. 

Interviews with unsubs were commonly easier than those with family and friends. Reid nibbled at the toast, neglecting to put any jam on it. He didn’t particularly enjoy the jam that was often provided in those little packages. 

The conversation drifted again. Soon, Prentiss and JJ joined them. Reid was quiet throughout the coffee and food. He was readying himself for the work day ahead. If he pushed himself enough today, perhaps he’d be so exhausted at the end of the day he’d just fall asleep and wake up the next morning. No dreams, no nightmares. Breakfast soon came to a close and it was time to head to the station. Spencer set himself up with a map of the town and began the geographical profile. 

Interviews commenced shortly after this. By the time three were finished, they still hadn’t come up with anything. Then Garcia called. She had informed them of a police report two towns over about a mother who tried to bury her child alive because she believed he was dead. It had been a mental break down, fueled by manic depression. 

“The child could be our unsub,” Prentiss commented. 

“Wouldn’t imagine,” Reid grumbled. 

He had thought he’d made his sarcasm quiet enough that no one would hear but Prentiss casted Spencer a look. She had heard him, he knew by that look that she had heard him. He turned his head back to the map. 

Penelope continued to inform the team that the child, a boy, had been taken out of the mother’s care and placed into the foster care system. There wasn’t a record of who this boy was. Well, there was a record, it was just sealed and it would take Garcia a little more time to unseal it. 

Despite the fact that he knew he shouldn’t excuse himself during this crucial moment, the moment before the team either definitively found the unsub or were disappointed by an obvious suspect. Yet, he just couldn’t keep it together, at least on the inside. Externally, Reid only seemed a little nervous. His leg would bounce up and down once in a while. Internally, Spencer kept thinking about the dilaudid in his satchel. It was so close, yet so far away. 

He knew he should not excuse himself, but he did. He simply stood up from his chair and slipped away to the nearest bathroom just as Penelope announced that she had unsealed the file. Part of him criticized this decision as he let himself into one of the stalls, locking it behind him. The rational part of his mind was not at all happy with Reid’s continued drug use and the ignorance of his emotional pain. 

Yet Spencer was so far down the road of irrationality that listening to his rational thoughts seemed, at least to him, a pointless exercise. 

As Spencer hid in the bathroom, hiding his secrets from his team, they were busy solving a case. Garcia had unsealed the possible suspect’s file and Hotchner had delegated the task of investigating this suspect to Gideon, Morgan, and Prentiss. The case had moved into the home stretch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope this chapter was enjoyable! Also, I would like to point out that updates will be a bit slower, considering I'm back in school now and have less time to write. But I will still be writing & updating as much as possible. I really hope this chapter was enjoyable & I thank you for reading! Have a wonderful day & stay tuned for more to come!


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer came out of the bathroom only to immediately be confronted by Hotch. 

“Reid, Franklin Marks is definitely our unsub, but he’s enroute to his mother’s home,” Hotchner informed him, “We have to head over there immediately, the others are too far away.” 

“Yeah, of course,” Reid nodded. 

As Hotch turned away from him, Reid opened his mouth and sucked in a large lungful of air. It was the first time he was high on a case. The rational portion of his mind was gone, most of everything was gone, leaving only a good feeling spreading throughout Spencer’s body. 

His legs carried him in Hotch’s footsteps. JJ joined them as they got into the SUV. Aaron began spreading towards Mrs. Marks’s home. Reid watched as houses and trees flew past the window. JJ and Hotchner did not notice the slight change in Spencer’s demeanor, partly because they were distracted by the case and partly because Reid had sat in the backseat. 

Reid attempted to bring himself back to his normal senses. To act like he was on a case. He was on a case, for christ’s sake. The SUV pulled up to the curb and all three agents exited the vehicle. The front door to the home they were in front of was wide open. 

Hotchner and JJ drew their weapons, heading towards the house. Reid followed them, pulling out his own weapon. He felt negligent, holding it towards the ground. Drugs and weapons never mixed well. But it had only been a little, just to keep Tobias away. There wasn’t any danger. 

The three agents entered the home. Hotchner headed to the kitchen, while JJ disappeared upstairs. Reid decided to go into the living room. 

“Clear,” JJ shouted from upstairs after a moment. 

“Clear,” Reid said, almost forgetting he was supposed to say that. 

JJ came down the stairs and motioned for Reid to follow her to the kitchen, since Hotchner had neglected to call out ‘clear’. Following behind her, they entered the kitchen. Aaron was nowhere in sight. Neither was the unsub. 

“Outside,” JJ whispered, indicating the opened backdoor. 

Reid nodded and they crept outside. 

Hotchner had a young man already in cuffs, reading him his rights. There was no one else in sight. Hotch and JJ met gazes. Spencer found his feet taking him forwards, yet his progress was stopped by JJ taking ahold of his arm. 

Reid stopped, glancing at her. Where was the unsub’s mother? 

JJ moved forwards and took ahold of Franklin by the arm, leading him to the front of the house. Reid heard the whine of sirens as the squad cars arrived. With JJ gone, Spencer resumed his walk forward, but Hotchner met him halfway. 

Spencer spotted a neatly packed square plot of dirt. 

“Where’s his mother?” Reid asked, eyes fixed on the dirt. 

“Come on, Reid,” Hotch said gently, reaching a hand out towards Spencer’s arm. 

Reid pulled away from the touch. 

“She’s still alive,” Reid stated. 

The look Hotchner gave him made Reid want to scream. Hotch was looking at him as if he were a child, a stupid germy child. 

“He confessed. He was waiting here for us to come and arrest him. He’s done what he set out to do,” Hotch’s voice held the tone Spencer imagined he used on his son. 

“We have to try,” Reid spat and tried to dart forwards, tried to get to the square patch of dirt, but Hotch’s body stepped in front of Reid’s path. 

The older profiler pulled Reid into a hug, although it was mainly a movement to prevent Reid from moving forwards. At first, Spencer tried to struggle but he knew it was pointless. Eventually, Reid yanked himself away from Hotch and stormed to the front of the house, passing local uniforms as they headed to the last victim. 

His body felt good but the pain of reality ate at the edges of his high. A local uniform pushed Franklin Marks into a squad car. Reid kept moving, averting his eyes. He clambered into the back of the SUV he had arrived in. Bringing a hand up to his face, he realized that his cheeks were wet. 

When had he started to cry? 

Exhaustion overcame him then, hitting him like a brick wall. He told himself that all he needed was to rest his eyes for moment and then he would be fine. Everything would be better. All he had to do was just rest his eyes for a moment. So he shut his eyes. 

“Hey, Reid, wake up,” Morgan’s voice jerked Spencer into the world of the conscious. 

Reid bolted upright, looking around wildly. The SUV interior had turned to the interior of the jet. His gaze turned up to Morgan, the question already being answered. 

“You fell asleep in the car, Hotch didn’t want to wake you up,” Morgan explained, “None of us did. I carried you into the jet but we’ve landed now.” 

“You should have woken me up,” said Reid as he scrambled to his feet, “I’m not a kid. You should have woken me up.” 

Morgan raised an eyebrow. 

“None of us were treating you like a kid, Reid,” he informed him, “We were all tired and I knew you hadn’t slept well last night…” 

Spencer didn’t allow Morgan to finish his sentence. 

“I just had my eyes closed for a minute, you should have woken me up,” he snapped. 

Morgan raises his hands into the air, palms facing Reid in a sign of no hard feelings. 

“Hey man, I’m sorry,” he said, brows knitted into a frown. 

Spencer adjusted his satchel and headed towards the jet exit. 

“Reid, wait,” Morgan called after him as Spencer exited the plane. 

His legs kept him moving forwards, towards and into the building. All the while, he heard Morgan coming after him. Morgan’s calls to wait up made no difference to Reid. His feet just kept him moving forwards. Eventually though, Morgan did catch up to Reid. They had essentially chased each other into the parking lot of Quantico. With an exit in sight, Morgan had sped up his efforts to catch Reid. 

“Damn it, Spencer,” Morgan swore, reaching out and gripping the younger man’s arm. 

“Let me go,” Reid immediately tried to get his arm out of Morgan’s grip. 

“No, look, what the hell is up with you?” Morgan demanded. 

“Why do you keep asking me that, Morgan? Stop asking me if I’m okay,” Reid responded, still attempting to wriggle out of Morgan’s grasp. 

“I know you’re hiding something, Reid, and I won’t just stand around and wait for you to break or do something stupid,” Morgan snapped. 

The words resonated, echoing inside of Reid’s head. He was already doing something stupid. Very, extremely stupid. Not to mention reckless. And dangerous. This was the same man who had stood around and watched him die. For a moment, Reid thought he spotted Tobias in the corner of his eye, but when he looked there was no one there. 

The feeling of anger burst inside of Spencer then. A mixture of anger and frustration blinded him. Tobias would not be allowed to ruin him. Spencer could not let that man win. He was dead. Reid had made sure of it. Perhaps it was the conflicting emotions he felt suddenly overwhelm him, perhaps it was because of his off put daily routine, he wasn’t sure. 

But Reid was sure that he pulled Morgan closer to him and smashed their lips together. It was by far the worst kiss Reid had ever given, and although Morgan did not punch Reid for it or move away from him, there was no consent on Morgan’s party. It was fueled by nothing more than a need to feel anything else than what Reid felt in that moment. It was a desperate attempt to stick it to a dead man. 

And, on some level, it was something Spencer had wanted to do for awhile. 

But not like this. Almost as soon as his body had acted, he had regretted it. Violently pulling himself away, Reid apologized and then quickly ran away. Literally ran away. For a man who so badly wanted to be treated like an adult, he had acted like a child. A stupid idiot. But what could you expect from a junkie? 

The subway ride home was tense. Spencer clutched at his satchel, his eyes shut tightly to prevent himself from openly crying in public. The case had started off so well. Everything was going fine. But he hadn’t been able to last. He hadn’t been able to act normally. Now everything was ruined. He had ruined everything. 

Off the subway. Keep it together. Walk along the sidewalk. Lower the gaze. Keep it together. Almost home. Up the stairs, get out the keys. Into the apartment. Home. At least. 

Spencer slammed the door shut, flung his satchel off of him, and rushed into his bedroom. Immediately, he crawled underneath the covers and huddled himself into the fetal position. The tears flowed freely down his cheeks now. As a child, Spencer had learned to cry silently. It made things easier for everyone, even though there was no one in the apartment to hear him cry. 

“Well, except me, Spencer,” Tobias Hankel stated clearly. 

“Leave me alone!” Reid screamed, flinging the covers off of him and grabbing the book he had on his nightstand. 

He flung this book where Tobias stood in his doorway but the vision sidestepped out of its path. 

“Go away! Leave me alone! You aren’t real! Damn it, you’re dead!” Reid continued to scream, propelling himself out of bed and hurling a clenched fist at Tobias’s face. 

His hand connected to the doorframe, a sharp pain shooting up his arm. Recoiling, Spencer cradled his arm as a fresh wave of tears streaked down his cheeks. Tobias, obviously, had not been there. There had been nothing to physically lash out at. 

Crawling back into his bed, Reid looked at his knuckles. They were scraped and Reid knew they would most likely be bruised by the time he woke up tomorrow morning. What was happening to him? 

How long Spencer stayed under his covers, knees pulled up to his chest, amounted to twenty minutes, although it seemed to Spencer that time stretched on for infinity. After the rage had come the sadness. After the sadness, Spencer was merely left feeling empty. All he could manage was to lay there in his bed, his eyes shut sometimes as he rested. Yet he did not sleep. 

Eventually, a knock on his front door roused him out of his stupor. 

Sitting up, Reid wondered who could be at his door. Maybe it was just a package arriving, though Spencer didn’t recall having ordered anything that would be delivered. Either way, whoever was knocking would go away soon enough. So Reid sat in his bed, looking around to find the nearest book to him. There was another knock at the door. 

“Reid? I know you’re home,” Morgan’s voice quickly followed the second knock. 

The muscles in Spencer’s body tensed up. A chilled dread slowly began to replace the emptiness Reid felt. 

“Come on, Reid, please. I just want to talk for five minutes. Just a measly five minutes, that’s all I’m asking here. Then we don’t ever have to talk again. And I promise I won’t ask if you’re okay or anything, I just need a reason not to worry about you,” Morgan pleaded. 

Reid couldn’t just ignore Morgan. After the stunt Reid had pulled on him, Morgan did deserve some sort of answer. Begrudgingly, Spencer pulled himself out of bed and allowed his legs to mechanically carry him to the front door whereupon he opened it. For a moment, the two men just stared at each other. 

“May I come in?” Morgan prompted. 

“Sure,” Reid sighed, opening the door a little wider and stepping back to allow Morgan into his home. 

Morgan stepped inside, politely shutting the door behind him. 

“Five minutes,” Reid said. 

“Okay,” Morgan nodded, “Okay. I’m just going to lay everything on the table then. First of all, I’m not upset or freaked out by the fact that you kissed me. That’s fine. I just need to know why. I need a reason why. Second, I need another reason. I need a reason why I shouldn’t worry about you.” 

A reason. A reason why and a reason not to. Blame the case. It had been so easy, it would be so easy. And it wouldn’t be far from the truth. Blame the case. Reid sucked in a lungful of air. Inhale. Exhale. 

“I just needed some control, Morgan” he began, “I just needed some control over my life. It feels like ever since Tobias, I… I haven’t had anything under control. I mean, I’m coping. But… I should be back to normal by now. Everything is back to normal but me. When I was in that shack, Tobias decided my fate. He decided to beat him, kill me, bring me back to life, and then kill me again. I couldn’t save myself. I had to wait for you guys to find me, if you found me.” 

Spencer paused to let out a shaky breath. He couldn’t meet Morgan’s gaze.

“Hotch didn’t even try to dig that woman out of the grave. She could have still been alive. She was buried alive, Morgan. She must have been so scared and so helpless and… and what if that had been me? If you hadn’t found me until after I finished digging my own grave? If I had been buried in that grave would any of you try to dig me up? Or would you all just let the local police dig me up? Just like we did for that woman. They didn’t care about her. Hotch didn’t either, so why would he have cared about me if he had come later than he did?” 

It all came out in one long breath. The tears had already been there from early, yet this sudden explosion of deeply buried emotion freshened them. For the second time, Reid was crying in front of Morgan. A long stretch of silence followed Spencer’s words. He was still too afraid to look Morgan in the eye. 

“Reid, you’re being too hard on yourself,” Morgan spoke at last, “You went through something that shouldn’t take you a few days to get over. Things aren’t ever going to be the same, but you’ll move past this, you just need to give yourself time. Trying to bury things like this won’t help. Hotch didn’t want you to see the body of that woman because he didn’t want to remind you of what almost happened to you. We’re all worried about you, Reid, because we care about you. We love you and want to help you, but you keep shutting all of us out.” 

“I still hear him, Morgan,” Reid nearly whispered, “I still think I see him. Tobias is in my nightmares and he doesn’t leave me alone during the day. He won’t let me go.” 

Reid felt pressure on his shoulders, realized that Morgan was gripping him, almost as if to shake sense into Spencer.

“Tobias Hankel is dead, Reid, you shot him yourself,” he stated. 

“That doesn’t matter,” Reid shook his head, finally looking up at Derek, “He’s still alive in my head.” 

Spencer noted the dampness on Morgan’s cheeks. He had been crying too. He let out a deep sigh and moved into the kitchen, so that he could sit down. Was being emotionally honest always this exhausting? 

Of course, logically his body was merely tired because he had been crying and after expending energy on that along with stress, it wasn’t a surprise. Morgan followed Reid and Reid could feel his eyes trained on him. Reid sat down at the little table, his eyes cast down towards the floor so he didn’t have to look at Morgan. 

“You should talk to someone maybe,” Morgan suggested. 

His tone of voice made Reid cringe. Spencer knew that Derek meant for his words to be kind, but all Reid could hear was pity. 

“Sure,” Reid said, not trusting himself with any further words. 

There was a long pause, filled only with silence. It lasted only three minutes, but Reid felt as if those three minutes were years in length. 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Reid. Don’t shut us all out. We’re here to help you. Because we care,” Morgan said those three minutes passed. 

Reid didn’t look up. There was an unusual amount of irritation inside of him that prevented Reid from looking at Derek. A part of his brain tried to rationalize what he was doing, but all it came out to be was too simple for Reid to believe. He was angry at someone who was already dead and Morgan was all he had left to be mad at. Had it been Gideon or JJ or anyone else, Spencer would have been angry at them too. 

“I’m going to go. Call me if you need anything, okay?” Morgan sounded so indecisive. 

The irritation continued to trap Reid in his current position. He knew what he was doing to Morgan was mean, unfair to Derek. But how could he help it?

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Night, Reid,” sighed Morgan as soon as he saw that Spencer wasn’t going to answer him. 

Reid listened to Morgan’s footsteps fade away as the other man made his way to the front door. There was the opening and closing of the front door shortly after. Then, Spencer was alone. 

“He will tell Aaron,” a level sounding voice pointed out to Reid. 

Spencer looked up to see Tobias standing in the archway of the kitchen. Only the inflection of the voice wasn’t correct. Not Tobias.

“Raphael,” Spencer said, in quite a pathetic way even to himself. 

“You cannot expect him to keep his concerns to himself after this evening,” Raphael continued. 

Spencer hung his head in his hands. 

“Please… please leave me alone,” Spencer whimpered. 

“You did this to yourself. You must repent for your sins,” Raphael replied. 

The way he spoke made Reid want to scream. It was too monotonous, yet at the same time too confident. 

“I didn’t do anything,” Reid wiped the fresh tears from his eyes and stood. 

Almost blindly, he made his way out of the kitchen and past Raphael. Into the bathroom he went, nearly falling flat on his rear end as he tripped over the rug on the floor. It was all in the little wicker cabinet Spencer had next to the sink. Needles and dilaudid. 

“Repent,” the voice of Raphael was still originating from the kitchen. 

What was happening to him? 

Spencer pulled out what he needed. It didn’t matter now, what was happening to him. He only needed one thing, the drug, and he’d leave everything else for the morning. None of it mattered, not until the cold light of day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this latest chapter! I'm sorry it's taken me forever to update this fic, but I will keep updating this until I've finished it. I just have to balance out school work and other projects. But hopefully I'll be able to get another update out relatively soon despite this! Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this update & I hope it was an enjoyable read. Please feel free to leave a comment & a kudos! Both are deeply appreciated. Stay tuned for more and I hope you have a wonderful day!


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